Opposite Day/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir. :Amir: I'm so mad I can punch you right now. :Jake: Don't. Ow! Episode :(Amir repeatedly waves at Jake) :Jake: I already acknowledged you. :Amir: Evenin'. :Jake: Morning. :Amir: Bad to see you. :Jake: You too. :Amir: No, shut up. Er... Keep talking. :Jake: What are you doing? :Amir: Today is not Opposite Day. Or it's not not... :Jake: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now? You're an adult! You're a grown-up and a you're doing this. :Amir: Thank you! Er, you're wel—sor—you're welc—no—sorry! :Jake: This is some really elementary school level shit, buddy. :Amir: Yeah that means it's high school level shit, not buddy. :Jake: Still be pretty immature then, right? Since you're almost 30? :Amir: I don't not appreciate, or the opposite of appreciate that so— :Jake: Your nose is bleeding. :Amir: Oh, dammit. Er, fine, good. Frig it! I'm overthinking it! :Jake: Okay, well you know what, if thinking of opposites makes your nose bleed, I'd advise you not to partake in Opposite Day. :Amir: No! Er, yes! :Jake: Or at least go back to school. Try to make yourself smart. :Amir: Okay, you know what? For the rest of the day, I'm not going to ignore you. :Jake: Fine. I'm just gonna leave you with one final thought: I have a vagina, you have a penis. :Amir: No, today we are both having a vagina. :Jake: Nah, sorry man. Today, I have a tiny little vagina, and you have a big ol' penis. :Amir: I have a pussy! I have a tight little pussy! (Jake films Amir) And, I'm a nerd! And, we're not friends! :Jake: Great, I got that all on camera. :Amir: Delete that video you fucking dickwad. :Jake: So it's not Opposite Day anymore. :Amir: Opposite Day just took a big old timeout when I became concerned about what you're gonna be doing with that footage of me saying some pretty compromising shit! Namely, that I have a pussy, that I'm a nerd, and that we aren't friends! :Jake: That was everything you said. :Amir: No. Yes. What? :Jake: Right. So definitely I am posting that video online. That's why I took it. :Amir: At least say that it's Opposite Day— :Jake: No. :Amir: —in the caption! :Jake: No! :Amir: Good. Fine. Everybody please listen up. Despite what video on the internet you may or may not have seen yet, I am not a nerd and I do have a pussy. :Jake: Wow. :Amir: Don't have a pussy. Keep taping. Keep taping! I don't have a pussy! :Jake: I'm not taping anything. :Amir: You know what, here. Here it is. (Stands on the desk and pulls down his shorts) My glorious hog in all of its glory. That's right. Does this look like a tight small pussy to you? I don't frikking think so! :(Paul comes in) :Paul: Amir! Amir Amir Amir. What are you doing?! This is work! You're fired. :Amir: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, sir, because today is Opposite Day, so you just told me I'm hired. :Paul: Dammit he's right! Carry on gentleman. :Jake: Are you kidding me?!